So PMS….it’s just one little abbreviation isn’t it?? And yet it pretty much manages to strike extreme fear right to the very core of every person without a vagina over the age of 15……..and YET we are just supposed to take it on the chin and solider on…….because it simply cannot be anywhere near as bad or painful as the man flu. Well guess what – NEWSFLASH boys – it’s SO worse…..way worse! Depending on how your body functions, PMS is that time (usually 1-3 days) before or after your period when let’s face it – you basically turn a little insane. Now I know that every woman is a bit of a hypochondriac when it comes to describing their period pain and PMS but mine is pretty intense…..I’m not sure if it’s just because I’m awesome or it’s made more dangerous due to being bipolar but I seem to get PMS before AND after my period…….that’s right I’m basically a psychopathic demon spawn from hell, a threat to all humanity for an ENTIRE WEEK! So this makes for a rather interesting turn of events for everyone involved within my vicinity…..luckily for me I live and work with my family. As crazy as I am, they accept me and forgive me……eventually.

 

One day my dear BFG turned to me when we were in the stock camp and wanted to know why I had woken up “as such a little cup of psycho” that morning – to which I verbally unleashed rather vividly ‘that my body was just in the process of ripping down the walls of an internal house built for an egg our body no longer needs……no biggie’…….needless to say he just stared at me in shock, like I had 3 heads. Now for some of you that may have been a little graphic – sorry no apologies here, it needs to be said that periods and PMS gargle hairy balls (just to give you all a visual picture about how I feel about our monthly woman predicaments). Along with the unpleasantness of our internal house demolition there is the long list of extras that the men in our lives generally know nothing about. Luckily the list of added extras you receive vary for person to person – so here’s just a few of my little added extras. Well there’s the bloating transforming me to looking like I’m 6 months pregnant, the cramping which can be best described as a kangaroo having an epileptic fit inside your uterus, the water retention making me resemble something similar to a female sponge bob square pants, the erratic eating which for me can vary from inhaling my fridge whenever I walk past it to the very thought of food making me feel ill and then there’s the PMS which results in me being generally all round un-user friendly for about a week.

 

However the most traumatising thing about all this, is that it only ends when we are either pregnant or in menopause – both of which have their own joys……and then there’s the charming completely invasive medical checks we endure. Pap smears…….the very word sends a shiver down the spine – regardless of whether you get the cotton bud or bottle brush option. Mammograms…….now I’ve never had one but my nanna described the process to me as when “you take your top off and the doctor takes one boossie and squeezes it tight between two cold metal pads and takes a picture, then they do the other one”. Now to me that doesn’t sound very fun to me, not one little bit. When you think about it women are quite amazing beasts – sorry to be a little crass – but we are literally the only creatures in the universe that can bleed for a week and live…..and we do this regularly!! So I say we are therefore allowed to be slightly psychotic and hormonal for a few days. Not to get on the man-hating wagon but c’mon ladies I think we all know that most of our men don’t handle pain all that well……man flu anyone? I mean they’re usually not very good patients, my BFG for example – let’s just say the bigger they are, the harder they fall.

 

So let’s go over to the blokes – what’s the worst they’ve got to deal with? What, maybe erectile dysfunction (ED) and prostate exams? Ooo I know right – how taboo?! Well ED is combated with a pill and a prostate exam is basically a finger in the butt……and now they don’t even have that to deal with as it’s been replaced with a more accurate blood test. Seriously, whoever said men were the stronger sex must have been high off their ass! I’m not saying that I don’t enjoy the whole sisterhood “girl power” thing – really I’m all for it because we are extraordinary creatures! We’re tough – can you really imagine a male going through the pains of labour and childbirth?? I know my BFG (he’s really one big softie) would be begging for mercy. We can multi-task like our lives depend on it plus at the end of the day……we’ve these things called boobs. However that touching feely, hugging female bonding stuff kind that usually goes along with the “girl power” stuff…..well it makes me feel a little ill – in fact I’d go as far to say as I’d rather stab myself in the eye with a rusty nail than get all touchy feely and hug a total stranger in the name of female bonding. Just being honest here – if I want to hug you I will……if not then don’t force the hug just accept it. My most liked/disliked personal attribute is my unpredictability and trust me (as my BFG will tell you), sometimes my behaviour is downright explosive…..unfortunately this is usually beyond my control (like I’m watching a movie) and sometimes I’m not even aware I’ve behaved that way at all. Now this is not meant to be a hard core feminist ‘oh woe is me’, man hating post – just the honest reality of the awesomeness of periods, PMS and all that comes with it.

 

Unfortunately for him, my BFG sparked this wild raving hormonal rant……..by foolishly telling me “it’ll only last a couple of days” when I happened to complain of severe period pain and cramping the other day…….normally I would have probably just have ignored him or replied with some sort of smart arse remark.
However not that day, that day he was verbally assassinated, that day the very sound of him existing in my universe was infuriating beyond all belief!! In fact that day, pretty much everything had me to the point of total madness – the sky was the wrong shade of blue, a bird chirped at me, somebody was breathing my air……it was just one of those days. On one of those days, literally the sound of breathing or chewing loudly is enough to make me snap and verbally assassinate anyone – usually my dear BFG is unfortunately on the receiving end (as everyone else is giving me a rather wide berth) and he knows that I prefer to be around people….most of the time. Okay so we’ve established that periods and all that comes with them SUCKS serious ass – luckily we have the little joy of experiencing them until we’re either pregnant or menopausal, which I kind of think is a bit of a raw deal. So let’s take a closer look shall we??

 

Pregnancy – now all the books give you big spiel of “it’s this amazing mystical time where you’re growing another life blah blah blah”…….Well here’s the typical breakdown people – firstly there’s morning sickness FYI whoever decided on that mean should have the sh*t slapped out of them……as in my case it was ‘all day and any time of the day or night sickness’ for a little over 3 months. Here’s a few delightful others;

*Weight gain – and I hate to burst your bubble but the mystical feeling of growing another life is pretty much lost once you get into the later months as you outgrow your clothes, shoes, car etc and simple tasks such as bending or not sweating are beyond you

*Fluid retention – pretty self-explanatory….I was literally a human sponge!

*Farting – apparently the little human you are growing is causing quite an internal ruckus, resulting in you farting like a great dane

Those aren’t even any of the scary ones like gestational diabetes or haemorrhoids! Now it’s not all horrible – in fact my pregnancy was pretty hassle free really (once the morning sickness finished) just don’t tell a pregnant woman “it’s a magical experience” as she may just waddle up and slap the sh*t out of you.

 

Menopause – now I haven’t experienced this, so here’s a couple of my mums experiences……

* Mood swings – now you thought women went psycho from PMS…..well just wait until those hormones start drying up all together = crazy town population YOU!  It’s like bipolar and schizophrenia rolled into one on steroids! I think I might have to buy 20 cats and start living alone…..

* Body temperature – my mum now refers to herself as an internal inferno but I like to think she has a theme song “…..this girl is on fire…..” Also apparently you start sweating in crevices you didn’t even know you had

I know right? Can’t wait for that…….sign me up!

 

A lady named Constance Hall, another blogger (look her up on Facebook she’s hilarious!!), describes my day perfectly

“I’m sorry husband for getting angry at the sound of your breathing; I know you have to do it. I’m sorry kids for getting angry at the 4 million questions you asked me yesterday, I’m your mum, it’s my job to pretend I care even when I don’t. I’m sorry for cracking the shits at the sound of anyone eating near me, that’s just mean.”

Just so you know – I’m not normally a psychopathic, universe hating threat to humanity…….just on a monthly occurrence. My BFG has assured me that I’m not usually that bad – however the last one was particularly unpleasant…….he may be using some poetic licencing there and perhaps a little self-preservation for life has kicked in, who knows?