Censorship – hmmm why do I find the word censorship so alarming? I mean it’s just a little old three syllable word isn’t it? Well let’s explore more of my weirdness shall we? So according to the ever wise Dictionary.com – Censorship means “to control or suppress the behaviour of others, usually on moral grounds” or “to ban or cut portions of (a publication, film, letter, etc.).”

 

Maybe it’s the fact that practically any word with more than one vowel, poses a possible traumatic experience for me and my fellow dyslexic’s…..maybe or perhaps it’s the idea of someone censoring me – someone stating what I can and can’t say out loud…..maybe. I think this little word disturbs me because I, like most people, use it
frequently…….without even knowing! No surely not – how can this be so?? In the form of “self-censorship” of course – *gasp* Shocking isn’t it? I mean why would a 29 year old individual do such an unintelligent and limiting thing to herself? Hmmmm….well again, like most other people, I do this to myself without even acknowledging that I’m doing it, until afterwards. Usually by looking through the aftermath of what has occurred – *sigh* hindsight is a truly wonderful thing isn’t it?

 

So why do I feel the need to do this to myself? Why do I feel that my fellow humans don’t deserve to hear my amazing and most learned comments?? Am I really that worried about what other people think of what I say? Am I really that afraid of judgement in general? Well the answer is – you bet your sweet aunts’ fanny I am!

 

Obviously there’s some pretty severe and maybe not so subconscious self-judgement issues going on in my little world but c’mon people I can’t be the only one vacationing here. So what’s up with my judgemental phobia?? Perhaps it’s just another charming little element to my weirdness that keeps my BFG forever on his toes?…..or perhaps it’s
something a little deeper? I’m sensing that it may be something a little deeper.

 

Seriously though – why do I care so much about what other people think? I can’t be alone there…..surely not? I even have the audacity to parade around wearing this mask – telling myself and even my friends “pfft I don’t care what they think – I’ll never see them again”……..but I DO care…..oh how I care *sigh*.
It drives me internally insane! As ridiculous as it is, I even worry about the thoughts of people whom I’ve never met before – just randoms walking down the street….how freaking crazy is that?!! There is obviously only one conclusion = self- censorship is crazy!! So why do I do to myself? Why do we do this to ourselves? It’s pure madness honestly.

 

An example how much I care about the judgement of others is even with this blog – my cerebral regurgitations – my supposed therapeutic outlet…..even this is self-censored!! WHY?? What’s the point of having a
therapeutic outlet if you can’t use it therapeutically?
This was supposed to be freeing, my own personal outlet to the universe that couldn’t be tainted or restrained by anyone – it was the key to unlocking my internal carefree bad ass!……and then I discovered my mum was reading this…..

 

I should be honoured my wonderful mummy wants to read the wacky and weird inner workings of my mind. I mean I’ve seen the kind of things my mum reads and it’s very intimidating. You know the kind of book you pick up and pull a muscle and even before you’ve cracked the spine? They’re all full of knowledge and manage to paint pictures in your mind. My point is
instead of feeling daunted and neurotic – I should feel proud that she would choose my cerebral dribble over some multiple award winning authors…..and yet there is this little niggling insecurity creeping up my legs, past my torso and into my brain. What if some of my cerebral regurgitations offend her in some one unintentionally? I would never want that. What if she reads something she doesn’t like or something that changes how she sees me? I can’t tell her to stop reading it not only would it hurt her feelings but I don’t want to do that! I secretly like the fact that she reads my blog.

 

So I have but one option – a promise, an assertion if you will – I will TRY to care less about the judgement of others any most in importantly myself. In turn I WILL reduce my own self-censorship levels until it’s something I CHOOSE to do not something that I automatically do. So you have been warned people – the flood gates are about to open…..it will not be for the
faint of heart – so if you have a heart condition I’d close this page now. Just save yourself the trouble and click the little red X in the top right hand corner……..otherwise strap yourself in and enjoy the ride = BEWARE!

 

So here is the real sitch, if you like, as we stand at this minute in time – I have wicked PMS (that lasts all week long), the mum of my longest serving friend in the world (basically a second mum to me) had a stroke but is now on the long road to recovery one small step at a time, worrying about my longest serving friend, my BFG lost his job, TG has started somewhat successful potty training (wee in the potty then poo on the floor), my BFG has a broken ankle, quietly dreading my Christmas shopping list, my psychiatrist has upped my happy pills and if one more of my friends/friend of a friend/acquaintances/random person I’ve met once in my life asks “when the next one’s coming along?” or insinuates in anyway that there’s “another one on the way”, I’m a going to come at them like a spider monkey! For the record peeps – no sadly not pregnant…..it’s just a bit of extra pudding that I’m just carrying around.

 

 

So you may have picked up on the fact that I’ve been feeling a little unmotivated by life in general – just a few small things piling up like those dust bunnies that hide under your bed. For example – why I haven’t written a new blog for a loooooooong time! Sorry to those of you who’ve been frantically refreshing this page for weeks (I know you’re out there in cyber space somewhere). So I haven’t exactly been sitting around
twiddling my thumbs recently, over the past 2 months we have been quite busy trying to get all
the cattle work done before it gets hot. In saying that I haven’t exactly been run off my feet for the past week and a half either…..then there’s deciding (censoring) what to write – I mean heaven forbid I just write whatever I want on my own blog!?! But I guess we can now cancel
out that as I am now caring less about the judgement of others and accepting that this is actually MY blog, MY therapeutic outlet and if someone doesn’t like w
hat they read then they can just click the little red X….