Today I thought I’d give you a little insight into my inner workings.

Sometimes I feel 25 feet tall and bulletproof (much taller than my current 5”1 status), ready to take down Godzilla with one hand tied behind my back……Then something bursts my bubble – except in my mind, bursting my bubble is the equivalent obliterating it with a machine gun……or so it feels. So YAY to me and all my bipolar awesomeness = just tack it on the end of my never ending list of overwhelming and sometimes awe-inspiring defects. My BFG and I like to try and keep it light – we call it “having a BP moment” –
sometimes you just have to laugh otherwise you WILL cry. I have good days and bad days but never really normal days – my bad days well they can range from literally a matter of hours to days or even months before fluctuating. I like to think it keeps my BFG on his toes….he likes to think that I do it to mess with him – and who knows maybe sometimes I do (subconsciously of course!)

Okay so I got a little side-tracked there (people who know me can tell you that I take the whole meaning of multi-tasking to another level – I can have 3-4 conversations at once (and sometimes that’s just with myself). My mind is literally going a million miles an hour – so fast in fact that the inside of my brain looks something like a German autobahn and every car on it is jammed full of different topics/information etc. The more cars that come onto the autobahn the more multi-topic conversations I can switch between…….now with all these crazy drivers there is bound to be a crash and BOOM that’s when stuff gets way too confusing and crazy for even me to control = the jumbled, excited verbal diarrhoea that tends to randomly pour out of my mouth orifice during what started as a somewhat normal conversation. The only problem with this is that unfortunately, I don’t have any control over of how many cars are on the autobahn at any one time and I usually don’t know if a crash is about to occur until after it happens……

Most of my family and dear friends usually have no idea how to handle me most of the time – which I tell myself is totally fine…..I mean who doesn’t like being a little mysterious?? But honestly it’s exhausting trying to interpret myself for other people – even those closest to me. You know when you’re having a conversation with someone and suddenly a glimpse of panic flits across their face followed by a look of pure confusion? No well lucky you – this is a daily occurrence for me. Not that it’s not amusing and more often than not surprising – sometimes I even like being surprised at what comes out of my mouth…..sometimes. Other times….well let’s just say that I’m as shocked as everyone else.

Sometimes I feel a little sorry for my loved ones, especially if they have incurred my uncontrollable verbal excretions or unyielding wrath for pretty much no reason – it can be pretty exhausting being in my inner circle (or my life for that fact) and I fully appreciate their hard work and tolerance! However, what they don’t understand is that of course there was a reason for whatever version of me they happened to encounter at that point in time – be it a bird chirped at me, the sky just happened to be the wrong shade of blue that day or a genuine catastrophe (as seen/felt and experienced by other people than just me, myself and I). Honestly, most of the time, I have no idea what or why it’s happening until after it’s happened. I’m not sure what is more distressing – not knowing/being aware until after the fact when damage control must go into overdrive……or knowing. Well when I say knowing, it’s not really knowing – it’s literally like watching a movie of yourself doing/saying irrational and to some extent illogical things with no rhyme or reason and no stop/erase button.

I’m commonly known for accidently saying things that I’m thinking out loud (without knowing that I have done so) = awkward! Sadly, I am also known for doing the reverse – which is even MORE awkward, as the conversation is left hanging with the other person looking at you like you’re a complete idiot with 3 heads (you me being none the wiser until afterwards). Hopefully my little Budda will have more effectively functioning filter than mine – from experience I can say that this will definitely be helpful to him in the future.

It’s not all bad though, being bipolar – my life is NEVER boring!! I’ve accepted that my weird little brain works in mysterious yet wonderful ways – for example I’m a fantastic multi-tasker! I can start literally 20 things at once – just don’t expect them finished all in one day. I’m a great list maker – however if it’s not on the list it basically doesn’t exist and I’m pretty sure I may die of ink poisoning one day. I’m creative – this is where my super human ability to think outside the box is very useful!  I’ve discovered as I’m getting older, I’m becoming a little more “zen” with all my weirdness and have accepted it as just a part (be it a big part) of my awesomeness. This wasn’t always the case and over the years, my “BP moments” have cost me friends (well turns out they weren’t very good friends) who didn’t understand how to “handle me” – as I’ve been told. Thankfully, I was able to find another weirdo and make little weirdos! Some weirdos are sadly not as lucky as me.

My life as intense (yes that’s a good word to describe it) as it gets, I realise that I’m fortunate to have everything I have – even my never ending list of overwhelming and sometimes awe-inspiring defects. Sometimes it’s up and sometimes it’s down and sometimes it’s both at once = interesting for everyone involved! Luckily for me my BFG is fully prepared (well either that or in blissful ignorance until it slaps himself in the face) and straps himself in for the ever changing and turbulent ride that is our travelling circus.

After all when the sh*t totally hits the fan and one of my “bad days” rolls around or a “BP moment” flashes by – he usually manages to let me know that life would be incredibly boring without me.

He really is my favourite human